


Dude, Where's My Barn?

by CaptainJZH



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Andy is mad, Gen, His barn got destroyed, Lapis ignores her problems, Post-Episode: s05e23-24 Reunited, You can guess why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 00:30:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15327762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJZH/pseuds/CaptainJZH
Summary: Andy asks what happened to the barn.The answer is fairly complicated.





	Dude, Where's My Barn?

“Greg?”

 

“Uh, yeah?”

 

“Where’s the barn?”

 

Greg was kinda expecting that question eventually from Andy. Of course it had to come  _ now _ , of all times, after the whole DeMayo property had been pummeled first by a yellow arm ship crashing into it and then later the force of a giant deformed hand erupting from within the Earth.

 

Andy had gone to the site to see what could be salvaged, but to his surprise he found nothing. No debris, no wreckage, nothing. Greg was hoping he wouldn’t notice, taking the massive hole in the ground as a good enough explanation.

 

“Well...uh...it looks like it got destroyed by the giant Cluster hand thing...?”

 

“ _ I KNOW WHAT IT  _ LOOKS  _ LIKE GREG! _ ”

 

Greg started to awkwardly rub the back of his neck.

 

“I don’t care if the friggin’  _ Purple People Eater _ — which I  _ hope  _ to  _ god _ doesn’t actually exist _ — _ came crawling outta there, it ain’t gonna vaporize the thing! There should be  _ something  _ left!”

 

Without realizing it, Greg was glancing over at the beach a few miles away, the giant crashed ships clearly visible from the countryside.

 

Unfortunately, Andy quickly caught on.

 

\---

 

Andy found bits and pieces of the barn showing up on the beach as he drove down to Steven’s house. It was funny; he was so upset about the barn, he failed to notice the giant blue and yellow ladies sitting on the beachfront. He knew he shouldn’t be so upset– he had already given up on the barn a few months prior. But that was under the expectation that, you know, it would still  _ be there  _ when he visited again, even without alien invasion antics.

 

When he knocked on Steven’s door (which thankfully survived the giant blue spaceship part smashing into the side of the house, giving his nephew at least half of a functioning household), he was greeted by a welcome face.

 

“Uncle Andy!” 

 

Steven jumped up and gave him a big hug, ushering him into the house.

 

“Heya Steven!”

 

“I thought you were heading back to Jersey after the wedding. What’s up?”

 

“Yeah, well, uh, you wouldn’t happen to know where the Flying Blue Lady and Green Dorito are, would ya?”

 

“Oh, Lapis and Peridot? They should be…”

 

The door opened, and in entered Lapis and Peridot.

 

“...right here.”

 

“Speak of the devil,” Andy muttered.

 

Steven quietly made his way to the door, realizing what Andy was here about.

 

“I’ll just, uh, be outside. If anyone needs me, that is.”

 

\---

 

“You literally could have thrown ANYTHING else! Why’d it have to be the barn?!”

 

Lapis groaned. She thought she would have never have to see this “new Greg” ever again, and now he was standing right in front of them in Steven’s half-destroyed living room.

 

“I happened to have it with me, okay? You try finding a convenient throwing item that can knock out a Diamond on short notice!”

 

“Happened to- Happened to have it with you?  _ You were flying around with it?! _ ”

 

Peridot chimed in.

 

“Why are you so upset anyway? You gave it to us!”

 

“Not to lob at the 50-Foot Woman I didn’t!”

 

“Well you should have been more specific,” Peridot said, crossing her arms, “Besides, you should be grateful. If it weren’t for Lapis taking it into space, it would have been needlessly lost when the Cluster emerged. Now, its destruction is a positive contribution!”

 

Andy then got unusually silent, as if he was having trouble processing some information. After a few seconds, he finally spoke again.

 

“ _ Why was it in space?! _ ”

 

Lapis folded her arms and looked away.

 

“None of your business!”

 

“I’m pretty sure my family property being taken into space  _ is  _ my business!”

 

“It was only out as far as the Milky Way, anyways… Plus, it spent most of its time sitting on the Moon, so, like, don’t have a cow about it, alright?”

 

Surprisingly, Andy’s anger seemed to subside at that.

 

“The Moon?” he asked, curiously.

 

“Wait, the Moon?” Peridot asked as well.

 

“Look, I was flying away, and then I got lonely, so I came back and was on the Moon for a little while,  _ okay _ ?”

 

Andy paused for a moment, as did Peridot, both realizing that Lapis didn’t really want to talk about it.

 

“...What’s the Moon like?” he finally asked.

 

Lapis chuckled.

 

“It sucks.”

 

Andy laughed at that.

 

“Ya know, I kinda always thought the Moon was cool,” he said, “It’s a shame we never went there.”

 

“Really?” Peridot asked as the three sat down on the couch, “I would imagine humanity’s aerospace technology would be more advanced than that. You could have easily done it!”

 

“Heh, tell that to Congress in the Sixties. The DeMayos got a bunch of NASA surplus out of it, though.”

 

A smile started to make its way onto Lapis’ face.

 

“Well I guess then there  _ was _ an upside to me taking the Barn into space,” she began, “It got to go to the Moon. Sorry it’s, uh, destroyed now.”

 

“Eh, don’t worry about it,” Andy shrugged off, “Like you said, it got to knock out ol’ Bluey out there. By the way, why aren’t they fighting you guys anymore?”

 

Both Lapis and Peridot said the same thing.

 

“ _ It’s a long story. _ ”

**Author's Note:**

> For reference, it's my belief that in the SU universe, humanity legit never went to the moon because there was no Cold War, and therefore no space race to push the process along. NASA just fizzled out in their world, and only the first few spaceflights took place (hence why Pearl only referred to "several humans, a monkey, and a dog" going into space).
> 
> The "NASA surplus" line is a reference to there being an Apollo lander visible in the barn in Space Race, leading to my crack theory that the US government just *gave away* all their space stuff after the program ended.


End file.
